Thursday, February 18, 2010
Tired & A Little Scared
Sometimes I'm leery to be honest on this blog. I'm afraid that I'll sound like "that girl." You know the one. The one the perpetual whines about her angsty heart. Well, screw image and status quo...I'm that girl right now.
My body is tired from weeks of not sleeping. I have no appetite, and my head is constantly going nowhere.
My doctor actually told me to carry around a brown paper bag to use when I start to hyperventilate. It is very uncomfortable to wander around feeing like I am in a perpetual state of suffocation. I have a tiny window of empathy for people who suffer from chronic lung disease or asthma--not fun.
I have been trying to "live in the moment." Not freak myself out about what I don't have control over right now. I am been relishing in small moments...hot showers, a run of stitches worked on a quilt, a splash of pigment on clean canvas.
I soak in sleep when in comes. I'm trying to surrender to what I don't understand. Grace comes in ways I don't expect.
All I can do in this moment is look up...look up for those unexpected treasures of compassion. Sometimes these gifts of tenderness are laughter through tears. Sometimes this tenderness is witnessing a sweet interaction in the post office. Sometimes this tenderness is holding on in faith, looking into someone's eyes and experiencing their belief.