Yes & Thank You

Bloom

2011-06-17T22:42:00.002-06:00

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him;

it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.

~Lamentations 3:25-26

Food

2011-06-02T18:00:00.003-06:00

I've been eating lots of eggs lately. Eggs with salsa. Eggs with spinach. Eggs hard-boiled.

I'm trying something out with my eating. I am taking out pretty much all carbs and increasing the amount of protein that I get. I don't know all the science behind it, but it is supposed to help you lose weight and just feel better all around.

I've gained quite a bit of weight in the last year from a combination of medications I've been taking. My weight has leveled off, but I still feel bloated and quite sluggish.

I'm going to try and use this space to document what I'm eating so I can appreciate what goes into my body.

I am taking more time to eat my food and taking more time to prepare my food.

Yellow

2011-05-31T21:07:00.001-06:00

I love yellow...

Little Breakfasts

2011-04-14T14:19:00.004-06:00

I miss breakfasts with Alexa at our old house. It was such fun to cook together and eat together. I cannot believe it has been over a year since we moved into that little house on 18th street. Sometimes it feels like this year has been long, and other times it seems like a blink.

God has shown me so many things this year. Some of the lessons were hard to learn, but I can see that He was there through everything.

For all the promises of God find their Yes in Him.

1 Corinthians 1:20

A Week at the Beach

2011-04-05T23:06:00.003-06:00

I just got back from a week at the beach with my dad and little brother. It was a wonderful time filled with long walks, sand-crab searching, and good food.

My dad and I got up early and enjoyed our coffee on the beach with the sand between our toes.

This last week gave me a new appreciation for baseball. The SF Giants were on four days in a row and my dad and lil' bro are huge fans.

The sun shined everyday. It was soul-nourishing.

I can't wait to go back!

New Life

2011-03-22T22:45:00.004-06:00

For there is hope for a tree, if it be cut down, that it will sprout again, and that its shoots will not cease.

Though its roots grow old in the earth, and its stump die in the soil,

yet at the scent of water it will bud and put out branches like a young plant.

::Psalm 14:7-9

Right Now

2011-03-15T15:35:00.003-06:00

Right now, I am...

:: wishing for sunshine.

:: trying to write a paper on the Espionage Act.

:: listening to soft conversations and laughter

:: sitting in the District Coffeehouse

:: drinking water with no ice

:: wondering how long this paper will take me to write

:: checking my phone to see if my bro has called me yet

:: feeling thankful for warm spaces

Veggie

2011-02-02T08:45:00.000-07:00

I'm missing vegetables right now. Sad.

O Christmas Tree

2010-12-09T16:03:00.002-07:00

Yesterday my mom gave this tiny Christmas tree. It is only about 8 inches tall...so sweet. I am enjoying my family a lot this season, which is a true blessing. Holidays are usually a tough time for me, but God is giving me grace everyday. Grace within my heart and also grace to spend time with them. My mom has her house all decked out with snowmen and snowflakes and twinkle lights. It is wonderful to see my mom's creativity come back. She has struggled quite a bit for a long time with her own shortcomings and trial, but this year she seems to have an open heart.

Today I am so grateful for open hearts...both mine and hers.

Starting to Paint

2010-12-06T15:12:00.002-07:00

I bought one canvas the other day for a project for a friend. I really am not liking the first few strokes...it seems to forced. That is how I have been feeling lately about anything I am doing creatively. I got out my pen and ink which usually get my mind going, but so much this time.

You can't see it in these photos, but I covered up the entire mid-section of this 12 x 24 inch canvas with a deep dark blue. Not quite sure where that came from, but we'll see how it goes.

Stay tuned for a more finished product.

p.s. the first photo is kinda* what my desk looks like now.

...

2010-12-04T13:10:00.001-07:00

Just a Reminder

2010-10-07T22:22:00.004-06:00

"May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you." ~Psalm 33:22

Thankful for His unfailing love, His never-ending rest, and hope always.

Gratitude List

2010-09-30T22:07:00.002-06:00

I'm so grateful that I got to share an afternoon with one of my dearest friends and her new little family.

I 'm grateful that I have somewhere to live for free for the time being.

I'm grateful for the wholesomeness of eating scrambled eggs with avocados that my mom cooks for me when I need food.

I am thankful that I have healthy teeth and gums.

I am grateful for bottomless cups of coffee..

I am grateful for the email I got from my best friend saying she is safe and loves England.

I'm grateful for ice that comes from the refrigerator door.

I'm thankful for random text messages from friends that make me smile in the middle of the day.

I'm grateful for bike rides at sunset.

Pet Therapy

2010-09-22T22:22:00.003-06:00

I love this dog. I never really used to care that much about dogs, but this girl has changed me. My heart melts whenever I come home and she greets me with her tail wagging. She sleeps at my feet, all curled up in a little ball.

Yesterday, when I was a little stressed out the girl and I walked our hearts' out.

Thank you for being here Athena. Thank you for being such a consistent dog and loving me through all this. You truly are a gift from God.

Catalina

2010-09-09T23:16:00.003-06:00

Today Catalina Island is on my heart. It really is beautiful.

What is a moment?

2010-09-08T22:54:00.004-06:00

This really inspired me today. It makes me stop and notice the moments that happen constantly through our lives. There is so much beauty all around us, but we miss out on it because we our stuck in brokenness. There are also beautiful moments in our brokenness, we just have to learn how to accept them. Notice them. Pay attention.

I'm learning to slow down. My life isn't very busy, but right now I am struggling with anxiety which feels like everything is sped up. Everything feels urgent, and i feel desperate. You can't notice little healing moments if you aren't quiet and surrendered to what you don't understand

Sometimes Hope is Ice Water

2010-09-07T23:52:00.004-06:00

Sometimes hope comes in the form of ice cubes clinking in your glass (especially if you don't have the capability of

making ice).

Sometimes hope is holding a tiny newborn baby.

Sometimes hope is checking the tin mailbox posted on the back gate.
Sometimes hope is making gluten-free cookies from a box.
Sometimes hope is having a sink without dirty dishes.
Sometimes hope is waking up before your alarm clock and wanting to wake up.
Sometimes hope is watching a football victory with friends when you don't usually get excited about football.
Sometimes hope is reading required reading side-by-side with a friend.
Sometimes hope is surrendering to what you don't understand.
Sometimes hope is letting go of expectations of a place or a situation.
Sometimes hope is a box of root vegetables.

Pay Attention

2010-09-02T23:09:00.003-06:00

"Do stuff; be clenched, curious. Not waiting for inspiration's shove or society's kiss on your forehead.

Pay attention. It's all about paying attention. Attention is vitality. It connects you with others. It makes you eager. Stay eager."

~Susan Sontag

A dearest friend sent me the above quote and it came at just the opportune time. I have passions and ideas for my life, but I don't take a hold of them because of extreme fear. I am always waiting for something to happen. But I don't take action because o.f fear or doubt or waiting for someone else's approval.

Sometimes it is okay to wait, while other times it necessary to reach out and do something. Sometimes you just have to push through the confusion and doubt and grab hold of the courage you have deep inside yourself.

You never know who your life might impact when you just take a step forward. Whatever it is. Whether it is going to 2 college classes or creating a new food blog or being vulnerable with a friend. It is all scary, but when you try beautiful things can happen.

Take notice of life around you. Slow down when everything in you screams speed up. Learn to listen when everything shouts talk louder.

In our going forward we don't know who we might influence all long the way. Stay aware of others' needs. Stay aware of your own needs and don't judge or belittle them. Who knows what kind of connection can be made through trying and noticing.

Limeaide

2010-08-18T23:32:00.003-06:00

The last few days have been really sweet. I have been encouraged my others-even others that are in the depths of a trial themselves. God has blessed me with sweet interactions with friends old and new, and near and far.

Thank you for always refreshing us.

How to be alone*

2010-08-16T12:57:00.001-06:00

Hope

2010-08-05T23:24:00.006-06:00

Sometimes life is hard to understand.

I'm one of those that tends to question everything. I ask why to questions that might never be answered here on earth. It feels safer for me to stay questioning than to sit with what is. That kind of quiet eats at me during the night and greets me in the morning.

What would happen if I allowed myself to ease into that unknown? What would happen if I gave up my need to understand?

Maybe in letting go that hollowness would be filled with something full. A fullness that I can't understand, but frees me from my need to understand.

Perhaps it is hope. An assurance of something beyond this. A hope that I don't have to be owned by a story of doubt and fear and shame.

In letting go, I can open up the door for a new story.

Glad

2010-08-01T00:12:00.003-06:00

This morning I woke up agitated and then I opened the Bible.

I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love,
because you have seen my affliction;
you have known the distress of my soul,
and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy;
you have set my feet in a broad place.

~Psalm 31:7-8

He knows our heart and He loves us. It is encouraging to know we can stand fast in His unfailing Love.

New Art

2010-07-28T15:53:00.004-06:00

I've been working on some new art. I always find out something myself and my relationship with the creative process whenever I make new pieces of art.

This go-around my epiphany was that I do not really enjoy making art for a specific purpose(i.e. making a specific set for a coffee shop or bookstore).

I would rather create art from whatever comes from my heart(shouldn't it always be that way??). It seems like it is taking me quite a while to figure out that good art comes from deep within instead of doing something just for show or production.

I think this principle can be applied to other scenarios beside just creating. Friendships, decorating a house, our relationship of God always seem much more powerful when we are driven from heart.

I hope I can learn to accept what my heart is saying and what God is telling me.

I'm Into Smoothies Right Now

2010-07-25T11:48:00.004-06:00

I love smoothies during the summer. Sometimes I eat them for every meal.

This morning I made this creation:

1/2 c. plain yoghurt

1 c. soy milk

3/4 c. blueberries

1/4 c. frozen peaches

1 c. spinach (!)

2 T. flaxseed meal

dash of cinnamon

Whirl it all together in a blender, and within seconds you have sweet, healthy breakfast.

Oh, did I mention that it is gluten free...

Line Dry

2010-06-29T10:38:00.003-06:00

We set up a clothesline yesterday afternoon. Seeing clothes hung in the open air makes me really happy. I love simple things like sun-dried clothes.

Write What You Know

2010-06-26T17:36:00.003-06:00

I never know what to write on this blog. I think I'm trying to make it something that it's not. I'm trying to make this blog pretty and simple, sticking to just roses and happy little happenings in my day-to-day. I love roses and snapshots of my life, but I also want to share my journey that is more that just paint and paper and glue.

Yes, simplicity is wonderful. Sweet moments in life are worth treasuring. But the struggle and redemption also needs attention.

Sometimes I'm not sure exactly what I should and shouldn't post on this blog. I'm trying to find the balance between personal revelations and artistic endevours.

Everything is connected in our lives. Emotions and thoughts and temperments and personalities all impact the creative process. Art changes because we change. Sometimes the themes are dark and poigant. Sometimes child-like and sincere.

It all tells a story. I want to share some of the deeper elements of my story.
p.s. these fries were delicious and listen to this song.

Summer Blooms

2010-06-19T17:03:00.002-06:00

Today was a wonderday. It started with birds chirping. Next came blueberry waffles eaten outside. And then card-making at the kitchen table with my best friend.

After that, a walk with a sweet little boy to buy french fries and soft-serve ice cream.

Now, drawing and iced coffee.

Thank YOU for new days and warm sunshine and friends.

Back Home

2010-06-18T19:39:00.002-06:00

I love coming home after a long time away.

White Paint

2010-06-01T23:02:00.003-06:00

I'm painting my bedroom white. Wow. I didn't realize how much of a process it is. Once it is done it will provide a clean,fresh space to sleep(on the bed side) and to create (on the studio side). I always want domestic little projects to take only 4-6 hours and then you are done and you can move on to enjoying the functional, organized space.

It seems to take a little bit more time because coats have to dry and baseboards have to be taped, and it isn't just roll out pristine white paint in just 10 sweeps across the wall and you're done.

Painting is teaching me patience...especially using white paint.

Sharing

2010-04-26T23:19:00.004-06:00

I participated in my first trunk show last Saturday. It was a fun way to share some of my art with a small part of the world.
I'm excited about new possibilities. Stay tuned for more of my adventures in the process of creativity.

art

2010-04-13T23:15:00.000-06:00

I love making art. I don't make the time to make art. that needs to change. the end.

Ladybugs Are Always Cute

2010-04-12T23:54:00.001-06:00

What more can I say?

God is Good

2010-03-31T16:18:00.003-06:00

The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD. {Lam. 3:25-26}

Sunday

2010-03-28T20:35:00.001-06:00

Today I'm thankful for friends that challenge me to grow.

The Grace of Growth

2010-02-20T19:44:00.002-07:00

I went out this morning just as the sun was coming up. It rained last night so everything was vibrant and dewy. I love the hope of a new morning.

Tired & A Little Scared

2010-02-18T21:20:00.002-07:00

Sometimes I'm leery to be honest on this blog. I'm afraid that I'll sound like "that girl." You know the one. The one the perpetual whines about her angsty heart. Well, screw image and status quo...I'm that girl right now.
My body is tired from weeks of not sleeping. I have no appetite, and my head is constantly going nowhere.

My doctor actually told me to carry around a brown paper bag to use when I start to hyperventilate. It is very uncomfortable to wander around feeing like I am in a perpetual state of suffocation. I have a tiny window of empathy for people who suffer from chronic lung disease or asthma--not fun.

I have been trying to "live in the moment." Not freak myself out about what I don't have control over right now. I am been relishing in small moments...hot showers, a run of stitches worked on a quilt, a splash of pigment on clean canvas.

I soak in sleep when in comes. I'm trying to surrender to what I don't understand. Grace comes in ways I don't expect.

All I can do in this moment is look up...look up for those unexpected treasures of compassion. Sometimes these gifts of tenderness are laughter through tears. Sometimes this tenderness is witnessing a sweet interaction in the post office. Sometimes this tenderness is holding on in faith, looking into someone's eyes and experiencing their belief.

Joy In Trials

2010-02-17T11:32:00.002-07:00

The last few days have been really rough. I keep having weird reactions to the medications I'm taking. I take them to help manage the chemicals in my brain, but the reaction is causing major mood swings and insomnia and restlessness. It has been several weeks since I've had a good night's sleep, some nights not sleeping a wink at all.

All this lack of sleep is making me a bit crazy. I am forgetting the words to normal households objects, and I get teary-eyed at the most random things.

I'm glad that God has grace for us in our weakest points. It's only through Him that I'm getting through.

Beautiful Day

2010-02-13T19:17:00.000-07:00

Today was beautiful. I walked outside and I got giddy from the perfect light-- sunshine that gets into your soul and carries you throughout the day.
Clear skies.
Clean air.
A whisper of a breeze.
Birds twittering.

Oh, it was beautiful.

Handheld Granola

2010-02-12T14:06:00.000-07:00

I made homemade granola bars the other day. They were pretty good. They actually stayed together quite nicely. I didn't use the exact fruits from the recipe, but the flavor was nice.

I was munching on one with a cup of tea, and someone said it looked like I was eating birdfood.

I guess I do kind of eat like a bird...nuts, seeds, fruit.

good morning

2010-02-04T07:39:00.002-07:00

sometimes i can't sleep. my head hits the pillow, but my eyes don't close.

last night was one of those nights. i was reading on the couch and my eyes were heavy so i went to my bed but after 3 hours i went back to the couch. i stayed on the couch for two hours...wide awake. eventually i just got up and pulled my jeans on and went down to the kitchen.

i made two giant trays of Rice Krispie treats...at 3:30am.

I'd rather be up and doing something productive than tossing and turning for hours, with no blanket of sleep to cover me.

It is now 6:53am. I am going to take a shower and try to "wake up" from the weird in-between of sleep without sleep.

His mercies are new every morning.

I Love Rocks

2009-12-30T21:04:00.005-07:00

Thank you God for leading me to this promise...

for thus says the LORD God, the Holy One of Israel,
"in returning and rest you shall be saved;
in quietness and trust shall be your strength."
~Isaiah 30:15

Wow.

Today

2009-12-28T22:24:00.002-07:00

I tend to ask why. Questioning keeps me separate from what I might feel.
Asking why keeps you in that space between anxiety and grief.
What would happen if I stopped questioning and started accepting?

Happy Birthday

2009-12-27T15:57:00.002-07:00

Happy Birthday Maggie!
Have I told you lately that I am so glad to have you as a friend? Well, I am so glad to have to have you as a friend!
You are such a dear soul. You live with so much passion and joy and hope. Thank you for being an example to so many of living a life searching for a deeper walk with God.

You are deeply loved, my friend.

The Inspiration of a Friend

2009-12-26T18:11:00.007-07:00

One of my dearest friends came out to visit me for a few days. It was so wonderful to have her here. We went hiking and beach-combing and snorkeling(with two wetsuits). We slept in and drank coffee and watched random television on the laptop. We wandered around town and walked the dog and went to a movie...it was so fun.

I love how God knows just when we need the company of a kindred spirit...someone that knows you and accepts you and loves you. This friends always inspires me, challenges me, and encourages me.

When we were walking along the beach one afternoon, she gave me the idea for these little painted rocks...

Finally

2009-11-24T18:48:00.001-07:00

It has been forever, but I am still here.
More to follow...soon.

A Day in the Life

2009-06-01T21:43:00.002-06:00

Life is good because God is good.
School has been out for almost a month and I have been enjoying the break sooooo much. I have been working on a quilt, digging in the dirt, walking, noticing, resting. I am grateful for friends who have opened their home to me for the moment before I move westward for the remainder of the summer.

2009-05-12T22:59:00.001-06:00

I've really been into rocks and wire lately.
something soothing about it.

Opening Up

2009-05-06T22:50:00.002-06:00

Yesterday I woke up early. Sun was shining across my pillow. Robins were chattering. My window was open.

My heart felt open too.

The last few months have been pretty dark. I've been holding onto hope, but at times I was afraid I might fall. I don't always understand these intense, periods of heaviness that I feel, and I often wrestle with the whys of my thoughts.

But it seemed like overnight something changed in me. Something lifted off my heart, and I felt refreshed.

God is good. Really good.

Focus

2009-05-03T23:23:00.002-06:00

I don't really know what to blog about anymore...it all sounds the same.

I do know that I am thankful that God hems us in on all sides.

Without His compassion, I would unravel.

Even before a word is on my tongue , behold, O LORD, You know it all together.

You hem me in, behind and before, and lay Your hand upon me.

~Psalm 139:4-5

The Uses of Sorrow*

2009-04-28T12:25:00.001-06:00

(In my sleep I dreamed this poem)

Someone I love once gave me
a box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand
that this, too, was a gift.

*Mary Oliver

Hot Springs

2009-04-27T22:57:00.003-06:00

Sitting in the hot pools at silver twilight, all felt right. Everything seemed perfect. A light breeze blew across my wet skin, and lingering rays of daylight slanted across an umber hillside. Expectation seemed to drift downstream, heat blending in soft circles with the frigid Yellowstone River. Pearls of water collected on my shoulders, beckoning me to sink deeper into the warmth. I edged along the slippery boulders, my back against the cascade the entire time. In some spots the water came up to my chest, but in other places it only reached my ankles and I had to crawl on my knees. The hot, mineral water splashed down on slippery rocks, sprinkling across my face. At first, the intensity of the bubbling heat was overwhelming. I wanted to turn my face away from the sputtering, dancing beads. The heat took my breath away, carrying an uncertain sadness away with it.

It was more than the heat that took my breath away. I believe that there was a real presence in that space that was beyond me. I felt alive, which I haven’t felt in a long time.

Thank you Jesus for giving us life--abundant life.

2009-04-14T22:44:00.002-06:00

Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you;

bind them around your neck;

write them on the tablet of your heart.

~Proverbs 3:3

It's Not You, It's Me

2009-04-12T23:06:00.006-06:00

I hate that I'm so intense. intense thoughts. intense feelings. just plain intense.

i can be goofy and silly for awhile, but it seems to always come back to this weird level of intensity.

Things are fine and dandy and then, wham! it comes over me.

Honestly, i don't know what "it" is. A gloomy darkness. A wave of uncertainty. ??

You know what? I think it's fear. I'm afraid of feeling, even though I want to let go. I'm afraid of being controlled by my emotions, so I deny them. In that denial, I am giving them control. I have all these rules about emotions and feelings and all that jazz, that I don't know how to just accept. Or maybe it is that I won't, or I'm afraid to.

This strange banter with myself is pretty typical. Should I feel? Should I say that? I can't to this. I can't do such and such. Aaaaaahhh! Oh no, I hurt that person! I can't ever talk to them again, but I need to. But I can't.

meh.

Even as I write about this, it seems silly. Emotion is what makes us human, but somehow it has turned into this intense thing that is so separate.

I crave reality. But I am not living that truth in my own life. I am attempting to, but it always seems to cycle back around.

The problem is with "I." In my own strength I will forever be on this cycle of intensity and fear and craziness.

But God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. (2 Tim. 1:7).

Praise the Lord for that promise! It gives me hope. Now I have to ask HIm to teach me to quiet my mind so He can teach me to accept.

This Week...

2009-04-10T23:10:00.002-06:00

I'm grateful for reminders of Love everywhere I turn.

I'm grateful for the songs of red-winged blackbirds in the vacant lot behind my house.

I'm grateful for the cross.

I'm grateful for the Hope that doesn't disappoint.

I'm grateful for the encouragement of friends, and sharing treasures of Jesus with each other.

I'm grateful for those that stick with me for the long-haul.

I'm grateful for hot, steaming bowls of sticky rice on a queasy stomach.

I'm grateful for teachers that care.

I'm grateful that I had the opportunity to see Jane Goodall speak.

I'm grateful for a bus ride conversation that was a gem of depth.

I'm grateful for heavy rain that gives you "permission to cry."*

I'm grateful for finding peppermint ice cream at Grocery Outlet, enjoyed with a warm GF brownie.

I'm grateful for feathers and wings.

*Terry Tempest Williams, Refuge, (pg. 28)

2009-03-21T23:47:00.002-06:00

The melody of my existence at the moment seems staccato-like, detached and separated.

It's a strange place.

But God is consistent.

Even when I feel "off" He is always TRUE...

I am learning to place my hand in His, trusting Him to guide me...

to guide me through the "slough of despond*"

leading me into the openness of grace

But even now His grace is here...it never ceases. No darkness can overwhelm it. No waves can swallow it.

My choice is to accept it, to not fight this AMAZING gift. I have a decision to stand fast to His promises, or slowly chip away at them. When I run to fear instead, I just descend deeper into the slough. I cover my own eyes to the light of His mercy.

But I want to live in Him. I want to see His grace with my eyes wide open.

*(Pilgrim's Progress, John Bunyan)

Hallelujah

2009-03-15T23:10:00.001-06:00

Who can hold the stars
And my weary heart?
Who can see everything?

I've fallen so hard
Sometimes I feel so far
But not beyond your reach

I could climb a mountain
Swim the ocean
Or do anything
But it's when you hold me
That I start unfolding
And all I can say is

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
I'll choose to sing hallelujah

The same sun that
Rises over castles
And welcomes the day

Spills over buildings
Into the streets
Where orphans play

And only you can see the good
In broken things
You took my heart of stone
And you made it home
And set this prisoner free

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
I'll choose to sing hallelujah
~Bethany Dillon

Reminded

2009-03-10T22:00:00.003-06:00

Remind me of what I love rather than what I fear.

~Terry Tempest Williams

I echo her words today as a prayer. I need God's grace to pull me from myself, and into His presence. I get so caught up in my own drama. My eyes are cast downward at my circumstances and inward towards my emotions. I desire Truth, but I continue to be lured by fear. my circumstances or emotions say, He still deserves my worship.

I will praise You, O LORD, with my whole heart;

I will tell of Your marvelous works.

I will be glad and rejoice in You, I will sing praise to Your Name, O Most High.

~Psalm 9:1-2

Tonight I was gently reminded of what I love... I love worshiping with other believers in a community of faith. I love praising God for His faithfulness. I love His grace. I love real, honest conviction of the Holy Spirit.

The still, small voice calling me to His side-Cast your burdens on Me, because I care for you. Stopping fighting against My Hand...rest.

Lay your shame, fear, guilt, loneliness, whatever...lay it down at the foot of the cross. Let Jesus love you.

Selah

2009-03-05T22:14:00.003-07:00

Sorry, not a whole lot of my own words around here...Been a bit tired and quiet lately.

"For God alone my soul waits in silence; from Him comes my salvation.

He is my rock and my salvation, my fortress;

I shall not be greatly shaken...

Trust in Him at all times, O people;

pour out your heart before Him;

God is a refuge for us."

Selah

~Psalm 62:1-2,8

Truth is a Presence

2009-03-03T22:07:00.002-07:00

"Always and everywhere the truth remains the same, a bit of rock for the feet, a warm handclasp in the dark of a strange place.
Aye, more, immensely more, the Truth is a Presence, not a thing or fact, a statement.

Some One is present, a personal Saviour, a warm-hearted Friend, an all-powerful Lord.
He is present, and all He is in Himself is always available, everywhere.
This is the essence of truth. He is that essence of truth that remains unchanged."

~taken from A Quiet Talk with Those Who Weep, by S.D. Gordon

Focus

2009-02-28T23:08:00.001-07:00

Simple

2009-02-24T23:57:00.004-07:00

I love how God shows us His love in seemingly simple ways...like eating a chocolate-chip cookie. I'd like to say that it is deeper than enjoying the taste of butter and sugar and chocolate (yes, there is SO much more to His love than this!), but right now it is just that simple.

Accept God's love, and praise Him for who He is. Enjoy God even when everything in me wants to fight and question and blah, blah, blah.

Have you ever been there, been in that place where it is difficult to just eat a chocolate-chip cookie? Nothing tastes right, somehow all of your senses are dampened and confusion breathes down the back of your neck, but there is nothing to be confused about, except your own confusion?

(insert deep breath here)

The AMAZING thing about resting in God's love is that it quiets all of that. God is gently reminding me that I have to focus on His mercies that are new every morning(I have to, because otherwise I'll work myself into a frenzied daze).

His love moves beyond the mountain of me, and He allows me to TASTE and see His goodness...

A Prayer...

2009-02-21T23:23:00.004-07:00

There is a nothingness that carries a palpable sense of longing.

A longing for depth, a longing for connection in my disconnect.

I continue to fight the whys of why I am in this spot again.

But Your truth keeps me whole

You let me see glimpses of Your glory

You uphold and establish my wavering heart.

Your steadfast love pulls me in

Your faithfulness awakes my faith

You are beautiful, Your heart is like no other

I can't fathom Your love, but I choose to rest there...

Sweeter*

2009-02-18T01:08:00.003-07:00

Hi...I just wanted to share a song

from a dear heart.

I met Melissa back in the

good ol' Cottey days.

She has some of the

most beautiful, open worship music I have ever heard.

Be Blessed! Oh, and check out her Youtube page...

Illuminated

2009-02-16T23:08:00.002-07:00

A friend inspired me to start illustrating scriptures.

God has been speaking to my heart in AMAZING ways.

Yes

2009-02-09T22:28:00.002-07:00

I trying not to hate winter, really I'm not.

For some reason, today seemed extra dismal.

It was dark at one in the afternoon, and the wind whines on and on.

It took everything to crawl out of my warm nest of a bed.

Yes, I know, this all sounds quite depressing.

Who knows, maybe I have a touch of SAD?

But before I invest in a high-powered UV light or hit the tanning beds, I must remind myself of God's faithfulness.
Just because the sun doesn't shine bright and warm, it is still there (cliche I know).

It's similar to our relationship with Christ...sometimes our emotions don't match with the Truth.

BUT GOD, He remains the same. His love never ceases to shine. His mercies are new every morning, even the mornings when the sun doesn't greet you. Oh, how I need constant reminders of His steadfastness in my life.

Throughout my day, I am bombarded with waves of sadness that I cannot explain. Where is this coming from? Why am I feeling this?

BUT GOD is always waiting for me to cease the questioning and simply reach for Him.

He doesn't need an explanation, He already knows.

He just wants our open, willing heart.

God, make me willing to be willing...

Love This*

2009-02-04T23:13:00.003-07:00

We sang a new(new to me) song at church last week that I LOVE.

The words are so true and so powerful.

Take a listen and be blessed.

On my mind

2009-01-28T21:31:00.004-07:00

Its the second (technically first week) of a new semester

I have a yearning to be creative...but not making much progress

I didn't pass out during my speech yesterday

Tomorrow I have an interview for an awesome summer job

My heart is more tender lately...

Today the afternoon light brought joy to my heart...it reminded me of summer

oh summer...

God continues to meet my every need

His grace is sufficient...His strength is perfected in weakness

Love reminds me to be still

Seeking

2009-01-21T22:22:00.003-07:00

I've missed blogging. Why I haven't been consistent, I don't know. I haven't been consistent in my pursuit of God lately either. Just sort of going through the motions.

I am so grateful that even in my inconsistency, God always remains consistent. He loves me through it all. Everything. Wow. He remains steadfast through my doubting and insecurity.

How fast I can be blinded by fear! I forget my purpose, and old patterns and habits creep back into my life. But His mercies are new EVERY morning.

I found this excerpt very poignant in the Morning by Morning devotional by Spurgeon:

Go on seeking, for it is dangerous to be without your Lord.

Without Christ, you are like a sheep without its shepherd;

like a tree without water at its roots;

like a withered leaf in a tempest--not bound to the tree that gives it life.

Seek Him with your whole heart, and He will be found by you.

Give yourself thoroughly to the search, and truly, to your joy and gladness, you will yet discover Him.

My Coffee Has a Sweater

2009-01-11T18:12:00.003-07:00

I thought my coffee was cold so I made him (or her) a sweater. We all long to be wrapped up, cozy and warm, on a wintry day...even coffee cups.

All this little sweater is, is a cuff of one of my old sweaters. I felted the sweater before I cut off the cuff to make the fibers bind together, and to make the sweater more snug around the coffee cup.

I rolled the cut end inside about an inch and a half so the ends won't fray. Blue embroidery floss is stitched on the top and bottom, and a happy, little heart stitched on the front.

This simple little project will help the landfills as well as keep my hands cool and the coffee warm.

Oh the joys of winter crafting!

Rain

2009-01-09T00:15:00.002-07:00

Today I'm thankful for the rain. It inspires creativity and refreshes my soul.

Tackle it Tuesday...or Wednesday

2009-01-07T00:55:00.005-07:00

I'm in the middle of organizing and rearranging my room...one of my favorite hobbies I might add. I look forward to holiday from school so I can organize without feeling guilty(doing algebra problems should probably come before organizing my paints by color...my bad).

But right now I'm free. Twelve hours of organizing and filing and redecorating is OK at the moment.

I plan to do a lot of creating in the next two weeks and I really need a better space to do this in. It is a bit of a challenge to combine a bedroom, storage unit, and artist studio all in one room, but it'll work.

Stay tuned for the makeover.

p.s. If you have any ideas for small(tiny) space decorating, organizing, etc, I'd LOVE to hear from you.

Second Glances

2009-01-06T01:18:00.003-07:00

Even when the pieces are broken

Even when the ends are tattered,

Fragile and frail

Even when the pieces are shattered…scattered

You are there.

You are complete.

Heal me, rebuild me.

Mold me, melt the ice, refine the silver.

I want Your reflection to be seen in me.

Even when I hide,

Even I run and escape,

You are there…waiting.

Even when I fall,

You are there…there to catch me, carry me.

Fix my eyes heavenward

I want to see your beauty.

Give me courage to let go…to let go of the weights

That pull me down

Overcome the fear I’m afraid to give up.

I want to know new things…beautiful things.

Let me discover Your joy and Your perfect peace

Give a new heart

I want to love and accept love.

Open my eyes…lead me.

Realizing Redemption

2009-01-04T22:20:00.003-07:00

I had the opportunity to attend a conference on world missions last week. It was incredible. Thousands of college students and missionaries gathered to share in the work God is doing all across the world.

What struck me the most was seeing how God is using peoples' unique gifts and passions to reach the lost and hurting all across the world. There are opportunities to serve in so many different areas.

One ministry in particular really caught my attention: Rescue Arts. I didn't get a chance to meet this missionary in person, but her ministry is truly inspiring. She reaches out to women and girls that have been sold into sexual slavery in India. Not only are these women given a safe place to live and a chance at education and vocational training, but they are shown the love of Christ in a deep and personal way.

God has used creativity and artistic expression in my own life to bring healing and restoration to the deepest parts of my heart. I have never experienced the depth of pain that many people experience on a daily basis, but I have walked my own valleys of fear and doubt and heartache. God's has been continually faithful to carry me through these times and to bring me into a closer walk with Him.

Whether it is paint on a canvas, scraps of cloth sewn together, or chords plucked out on a guitar, God WORKS through art. It is a deep language of beauty and depth.

I have a new outpouring of inspiration to use creativity, to tap into the soul-songs that resonate beyond myself. I guess you could say that I have resolution of sorts for 2009 to not sit stagnant. I don't want to fill my mind with meaningless hours of endless media (i.e. refreshing Facebook repeatedly to see if anyone has commented about me...sad, i know). I am ready to redeem the time I've been given to create and unlock the deeper visions of my heart.

Trust

2008-12-29T01:15:00.006-07:00

The LORD is my strength and my shield

My heart trusted in Him, and I am helped;

Therefore my heart greatly rejoices

And with my song I will praise Him.

~Psalm 28:7

I Heart Art

2008-12-16T21:52:00.002-07:00

Just a quickie for today. But I stumbled upon this fantastic video over here.

2008-11-29T22:03:00.003-07:00

Just another happy little tree...

I love trees.

For a friend*

2008-11-26T10:00:00.002-07:00

"We give thanks always for you, constantly mentioning you in our prayers, remembering before our God and Father your work of faith and labor of love and steadfastness of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ."

~1 Thess. 1:2-3

You are a gift from God. Your life has impacted so many people (and still is!). I admire the passion and grace that your life is rooted in. Because of your example, I am inspired to live my life as a work of faith--yielded to God's loving voice, and uplifted by His great faithfulness.

Everything you do is a labor of love. I've never seen you do anything half-heartedly. Whether it is nurturing and teaching your children, respecting your husband, or sewing a quilt for a new baby, you grab hold of the greater purpose. You see beyond a duty that has to be fulfilled and it becomes a testament of Christ's love.

It is so incredible to see your life in rhythm with a steadfastness of hope. Even through pain and loss, your eyes are fixed on Jesus. Not fixed towards Him with a false sense of happiness, but with real, raw honesty that allows His strength to be perfected in your weakness.

I'm truly glad you were born. I am honored to have you in my life.

Happy Birthday Gabe!!!

2008-11-20T21:58:00.008-07:00

This week I got sidetracked on my journey to authenticity. I've let fear and doubt and perfectionism-people-pleasing-tendencies get the best of me. I am realizing what a trap condemnation and judgments are in my life. They hold me back from growth and wholeness, keeping me bound up in confusion.

Yesterday, I had a moment of contemplation amidst the piles of paper and multiple to-do lists. My thoughts and emotions were so disorganized that I couldn't see clearly through the agitation. I had to force myself to stop and refocus...a mediation of sorts. Focus is something I am lacking at the moment, and disciplining myself to quiet the birds flying around in my mind was difficult to do. But because of God's faithfulness I was able to gain a bit of perspective on the here-and-now...

But I got scared in the quiet. The busyness and anxieties and striving that I tend to hide within were pushed aside, and it was uncomfortable to get a glimpse of the core...the core of my heart, the core of where I need Jesus the most. I saw a glimpse of an uncertain sadness, a sense of loss, a longing to be known, and almost immediately I started to judge what I saw. Instead of embracing, I fought.

As soon as I began to fight, a weight came over me. I could feel it in my body. It was suffocating and constricting, not only physically, but also spiritually.

I think this weight was condemnation. The lies I believe that my life lacks purpose, I've failed too many times, I should be over this, I should be happier, and should... blah, blah, blah...

Condemnation holds us back and hardens our heart, but we don't have to stay there!

In the stillness, I saw the reality of my heart, but I also saw the promise of freedom we have in Jesus. He sees the darkest parts, and still He loves me...His strength is perfected in our weakness.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus

from the law of sin and death.

~Romans 8:1-2

::take a listen to this beautiful song

2008-11-17T22:26:00.002-07:00

Monday nights we have a Bible study at our house. It is so awesome to come together and focus in on God and the complex simplicity of His character. Just thought I'd share some insights from the book we're going through:

While the world applauds achievement, God desires companionship. The world clamors, "Do more! Be all that you can be!"

But our Father whispers, "Be still and know that I am God."

He isn't looking as much for workers as He is for sons and daughters--a people to pour His life into...

(Joanna Weaver, Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World.)

The Abyss of Concentration

2008-11-16T21:56:00.006-07:00

Geez, louise...sometimes I get so engrossed with whatever I'm doing(algebra, contemplating glacier retreat, drawing, painting, wrapping gifts, organizing fabric, etc, etc, etc) that I have a hard time coming out of it. Most of the time I am quite distracted when I sit down to do something, but sometimes I get these random bursts of focus where I sit for hours hunched over a stack of papers. Often when this happens, I don't utter a single peep for hours. If my concentration is broken by my roommate coming to talk to me, or the phone ringing, or whatever, its like I don't remember how to speak. Jumbled, choppy words are all I can muster up.

My mind goes into this weird daze, almost like the concentration was so deep that I lost touch with reality (not in a creepy, psychotic way). I forget that anything outside my little pile of books and paper even exists and my social skills go down the drain(again, not in a completely insane way). I forget to eat, I forget to hydrate myself, and I end-up with a odd pains because I'm doing all of this intense concentration sitting on my knees, basically curled up in a little ball. Who knows, maybe I think better that way?

Anyways, enough rambling, but seriously I need to find balance. I mean, deep concentration is a good thing, but you still have to retain the ability to have a somewhat coherent conversation with another human being. I'm trying not complain here, I just never realized how much of a trance I can get myself into. I'm thankful for these gifts of motivation and bursts of creativity, but I have to remember to not get lost in it.

The abyss of concentration can suck you in, which isn't always a bad thing, but I tend to do everything in extremes. Once I'm there, I have a hard time coming back out. But I'm working on finding balance in all areas of my life, coherency between the passion and precaution.

God is patient. (nuf, said?)

Acceptance

2008-11-14T22:41:00.004-07:00

Today when I was driving to school I was filled with an overwhelming sense of peace. I can't really describe what it felt like. Maybe like eating oatmeal that warms you from the inside out. Whatever it felt like, I know it was real. Real, perfect peace that only Jesus can supply.

Everyday I am amazed at how much love God has for us. His love remains consistent--steady through sorrow and disappointment... Steady through trials and triumphs. Consistent, unyielding love has always been difficult for me to grasp. Love has always carried limits, and a quota on how much was given and received. I've walked around believing that love is in short supply, something that needs to be hoarded. When its gone, its gone...

This is so not the case with God. His love is endless. His love never fails. God's reaches beyond what we could ever ask or imagine. God is love. Seriously, I've heard this since before I could remember, but my heart is just recently beginning to grasp it. Believe me, I have a lot to learn. Jesus is gently helping me to quiet the Whys? and Hows? and Buts? These questions are just barriers to wholly knowing Christ.

He is leading me down the path of acceptance. Accepting His love, accepting His grace, and accepting His goodness. Sometimes walking alongside me, and other times carrying me in the palm of His hand. No matter what, He is there. He is patient and steadfast, never shifting from His Word.

I Need Another Cuppa Tea

2008-11-11T22:03:00.004-07:00

I've been writing all day. My latest english essay is on the benefits of blogging. Here's a list...

:: connection with old friends

:: connection with new friends

:: a place to share stories of God's grace

:: opens up the door for vulnerability

:: inspires creativity

:: gives space for authenticity

:: unites us for a common cause

:: a spot to express random ponderings

:: did I mention connection?

What about you? How have blogs impacted you?

Seek

2008-11-11T00:06:00.005-07:00

"But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness,

and all these things will be added to you."

~Matthew 6:33

Waiting Season

2008-11-05T23:13:00.005-07:00

Not quite sure what I'm waiting for exactly, but I am trying to be OK in the not-exact things in life. I have the tendency to dream and plan set expectations for my present and future life, but such strict guidelines often leave me disappointed or overwhelmed.

Waiting is what we make of it. Sure, it can be painful and confusing at times, but these seasons are necessary for a closer walk with Jesus. If a sapling is over watered, the root systems never stretch deep. The roots remain just below the surface of the soil and they don't establish solid grounding. The dry seasons are our opportunity to dig deep into God's promises--to search for livings waters of joy. God desires for His people to be rooted and grounded in His unfailing love.

I am slowly learning that I don't have to know the exact ending. There is beauty in the here and now. The everyday processes of life and relationships and communion with God all give us a deeper understanding of God's grace and mercy. There is so much to be grateful for right now. The place that God has us right now, that in between stage, can be awkward, but it really is just life...you can't change the seasons.

True joy is hard to come by if we aren't content with where God has us in this moment. the fight to always be better, achieve more, produce more, be stronger is the opposite attitude of contentment.

Rest in God. Let Him quiet you by His love.

What are we waiting for? Let's embrace the wait.

Blank

2008-11-04T22:48:00.002-07:00

Sometimes your mind is just kinda blank, know what I mean?

Happiness Happens...

2008-11-02T13:32:00.007-07:00

:: when drinking fresh milk that comes in a glass bottle.

:: when you are blessed with free pumpkins after a cross-town search.

:: while viewing an amazing sunset.

:: when you watch 2 heartwarming movies back to back.

:: after a autumn walk in red shoes.

:: when you reconnect with an old friend, and it seems like yesterday.

:: when a leaf lands on your jeans.

:: after seeing teeny-tiny bananas in the market.

:: when your brothers drive 150 miles just to say hi.

:: while wearing a stripy, bright, colorful, wool sweater.

What about you?

Rooted

2008-10-30T17:00:00.005-06:00

It's been awhile since my last post. I'd like to say it is out of busyness, schoolwork, normal-life-apart-from-blogososhere, but in reality my not writing is out of fear.

Fear that i won't say the right thing. Fear that my thoughts don't matter. Fear that I am being selfish for wanting someone else to read the deepest intents of my heart. Fear of vulnerability.

Fear is wicked. My mind is full of these roadblocks--constant checks on what I say and think and do. Not all bad, but there needs to be balance. How can deep connections be formed if you never let the true self shine through?

My friend, Beth, observed that I struggle being authentic because of the little (sometimes seemingly big) fences that I force into my path. She had a picture of me on a horse, in a full riding outfit (boots, helmet, and all), trying to jump over little white fences. Each of these fences represents a doubt, a fear, a reservation to be real, a need to please...

Even during a conversation with someone I trust and deeply care about, I am continually going through the obstacle course. Should I say that? Maybe that will offend them? I can't share my opinion--nope, can't say that. Where should I sit? Maybe I should I stand up? Will they be annoyed if I ask for a glass of water?

Man, I'm getting exhausted just reading this! I'm so tired of living in a constant state of questioning. Questioning the Truth my heart knows.

I'm so thankful that Jesus promises to replace our fear with the reassurance of His love.

Center

2008-10-23T21:15:00.004-06:00

"Be still, and know that I am God."
~Psalm 46:10

:: need to remember this today ::

Sharing

2008-10-21T17:47:00.004-06:00

Sharing is a good thing. Especially, when it involves sharing about the things God has done and is doing in our lives. I can get so caught up in everything bad and negative in my life, instead of recounting the miracles God has done.

Last night at Bible study we did some mighty good sharing. We shared some of the simple, yet profound ways that God reveals His love to us. Everyone went around and shared a special way God has spoken to them.

Each memories was unique and personal, but they all included pieces of creation... rich reds and smoky violets of a sunset... overlooking an emerald carpet of pine from a mountain peak...crashing waves along smooth white pebbles...

You get the idea. God's creation speaks...The mountains and hills will burst into song before You, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands...the skies proclaim the work of His hands...

I long for these moments. Moments of quiet and grace and complete communion with Jesus. Moments removed from the religious hurry of life.

But it is difficult to notice God's character when I am lost in my own nonsensical slurry of thoughts and emotions. I long for a new perspective that is not clouded with me.

I am so grateful for the sovereignty of God. Through each ebb and flow, He is stable. He speaks through our confusion. He remains steadfast in our faltering. He loves continually.

Sure in the Unsure

2008-10-20T11:52:00.003-06:00

I'm tired. Tired of describing, explaining, analyzing, defending, judging.

I just want to accept life for what it is right now.

“Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.”
~Psalm 51:12

Meet Maggie

2008-10-17T10:30:00.003-06:00

Just a few bits of awesomeness about this dear soul...

:: she eats about as much fruit as I do

:: she is grounded in herself and her faith

:: she has the ability to see deep and feel deep

:: she is rarely stressed out...just rolls with the punches

:: she's a thrift store buddy

:: enjoys a good cuppa Joe

:: she eats my experiments

:: she loves Jesus wholly

:: she's tracks with my summer squash on-the-fly storytelling

:: she makes up hilarious, witty sayings

:: she searches out the heart, doesn't just take people at first glance

:: she laughs long and hard and often

:: she is a dedicated friend

...there's so much more I could say, but I'm so glad I know this girl.

Here and Now

2008-10-15T16:14:00.004-06:00

Right Now, I am:

feeling... a bit overwhelmed.

enjoying... the warm sun soak through my jeans.

smelling...garlic wafting up from the downstairs apartment.

wondering... where my English paper disappeared to.

chewing...on a caramel-apple lollipop stick.

afraid...to feel deeply.

listening... to leaves rustle through open windows.

wanting... to take a nap.

inspired...to paint.

thankful...for the acceptance God gives.

loving...authentic soul connection.

looking... forward to eating chicken enchiladas with friends tonight.

Where are you at today?

Set Me Free

2008-10-14T14:55:00.003-06:00

And at midnight Paul and Silas prayed,
and sang praises unto God:
and the prisoners heard them.

And suddenly there was a great earthquake,
so that the foundations of the prison were shaken:
and immediately all the doors were opened,
and every one's bands were loosed.

~Acts 16:25-26

I read this verse last night at probably about midnight. Wow! Talk about the Word being living and powerful--this spoke right to my heart...

Ok, I'm not in a literal prison, but sometimes it feels like I'm trapped in weird emotional cages, and nothing I do seems to set me free. There's the problem right there...the little word "I."

I can't do anything on my own. My own attempts to arrive at wholeness and healing won't get me anywhere. I think that is where I can get so discouraged. I try so hard to be happy and healthy and strong that I wear myself out. I expect so much of myself, instead of just resting in the peace that God promises. His timing is perfect. He knows what He's doing. His love remains...

It remains through darkness, and heartache, and hopelessness. This love never changes. I am the one who changes. My eyes turn inward and downward with self-pity and fear and pride and I lose sight of this Love.

It is so beautiful to imagine Paul and Silas worshipping God in the midst of the deepest depths of despair. I have a hard time believing that they were happy-go-lucky, run -through-the-wildflowers happy 24-7, but praise still was on their lips. They were chained and bound physically, but their hearts were free.

I long for that freedom. Freedom to let God love me without limits. Freedom to sing through the midst of sorrow and grief. Freedom to worship Christ even when my emotions are telling me otherwise.

He moves in our praise...chains are broken...doors are opened...fear is crushed!

PTL!(and I don't say thay lightly)

Pumpkin Waffles Taste Nice

2008-10-12T22:32:00.003-06:00

Just had to throw that out there.

The World Spins Madly On*

2008-10-10T23:16:00.008-06:00

It's hard to open the door to creativity when the world is rushing by.

The only thing is...the world is going to keep spinning on. We can't stop it.

The seasons are going to change. The wind is going to blow. The rain will fall.

Distractions are constantly bombarding us, begging for our affection. It feels like there is so much to do, but it never gets done. Well, it may get done, but halfway. I have given pieces of myself to so much. It leaves my heart scattered, chaotic, anxious.

There seems to be so much going on, but I am not truly connected to any of it. It is like I am driving down the road, seeing the world whiz along beside me. Catching only snidbits of the life going on around me.

Sometimes I am even unaware of what is going on inside my own head. I don't feel grounded, rooted in the Truth.

So many days go by, and I wonder... what exactly have I done? OK, so I wake up, and go to school, and eat, and solve for x and y, and talk to people, and check my email 50 bazillion times. But what have I really done with purpose, with intention?

The passion has drained from my soul. My Center has shifted, knocking me out of balance.

Where can I go to get away? A place of solitude to meditate on the beauty of God. A retreat to quiet my soul, and simply worship the Creator for Who He is.

The Lord is my portion, saith my soul;

Therefore I will hope in Him.

The Lord is good unto them that wait for Him,

to the soul that seeketh Him.

It is good that a man should both hope and

quietly wait for the salvation of the Lord.

~Lamentations 3:24-26

*p.s. title of The Weepies song...

Learning to Walk

2008-10-09T22:52:00.004-06:00

I taught Ephraim to walk;
I took them up by their arms,
but they did not know that I healed them.

I led them with cords of kindness,
with the bonds of love,

and I became to them as one who eases the yoke on their jaws,
and I bent down to them and fed them.
~Hosea 11:3-4

Fill Me Up

2008-10-06T13:43:00.003-06:00

I love morning. Everything is quiet, even my thoughts.

Well, my thoughts are always there, but at this time of day they still have a dream-like quality to them.

God shows me the most amazing things in the morning. Things I normally don't hear because my thoughts are so loud, almost paralyzing at times.

This morning I noticed a chip in my coffee cup. A piece was broken from the rim, but still capable of holding coffee. This is kind of a symbol of how Jesus views us. We come to Him chipped and broken and just plain messed up, but He still promises to fill us up.

If we come empty God has the opportunity to fill us to overflowing.

The problem for me is emptying myself of myself and allowing God to fill me up. I hold onto every emotion, every hurt, every fear and stuff it into my cup. My entire being gets so full that I have a hard time just being. Being open to God's truth, being accepting of God's grace, being willing to love.

All of my own junk, the sludge of pain and pride and perfectionism, crowd my soul. The Holy Spirit has a difficult time settling there because these other things get in the way.

But I do have a choice. I can let the tragedy of fear keep me from experiencing the complete character of Jesus, or I can offer up my weakness to Him. Surrender fully, without limits, letting go of this struggle I have let define me.

In our brokenness, God love remains consistent. He sees the darkest part of our heart and still pursues us with a relentless love. He never ever turns His back on us. Wow.

...and to know the love of Christ
that surpasses knowledge,
that you may be filled with the
fullness of God.
~Eph. 3:19

Love in a Lullaby

2008-10-04T17:07:00.007-06:00

It's dark and cold
the walls are caving in
Jesus, hope is all I have
hope is all I have

You see the tears that won't fall
You hear the silent cries of my heart
You accept me as I am
You hold my broken heart
You hold my broken heart in Your hands

Your grace is sufficient for me
Your grace is sufficient for me

Perspective

2008-09-30T17:11:00.005-06:00

Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer;
You shall cry, and He will say, "Here I am."
If you take away the yoke from your midst,
the pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness,
if you pour yourself out for the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted,

then your light shall rise in the darkness and your gloom as the noonday.

And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places

and make your bones strong;

and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.

~Isaiah 58:9-11

There's More to Me than My Facebook Status

2008-09-28T21:39:00.004-06:00

I'm trying to be more consistent with this whole blogging thing. It's hard. It's not like the thoughts aren't there or anything, I'm just thinking too hard. I always want to have something profound to say, but sometimes my thoughts are a scattered web of craziness.

Trying. It's the story of my life. Try to be happy. Try to get good grades. Try to be healthy. Try to make people love you. Dangit.

Not that trying is always a bad thing, but you have to have balance. C'mon seriously...

All of this striving clouds my thoughts with shoulds and coulds and 0h-how-i-wishes. Where did I get the idea that I'm not OK for being who I was created to me? Most of my life, I've crammed myself into little boxes made up of rules and fears and lies. It's lonely in these little boxes. No one can get in and I can't get out(well, I can by God's grace...)

Living inside a box is a pretty lonely existence. You miss out on joy and friendship and even experiencing God's love. His love always remains consistent, but the box of doubt and unbelief keeps you from knowing that love in a deeper way.

His love is relentless. He doesn't turn our back on us, even when we've hidden away in our box. He waits, patiently enduring with us through everything.

Even though the box-life sucks, it can get comfortable. No one sees your weakness(or, that's what we think), no one sees your grief, your fears, your shame. Might as well stay closed off, better to be lonely than take a chance on experiencing real connection with another.

But where is the richness of life without sharing from your heart? It's scary to open up, get out of the box, but I'm pretty sure it's worth it.

Am I going to live rooted in fear, or in truth?