I'm trying to be more consistent with this whole blogging thing. It's hard. It's not like the thoughts aren't there or anything, I'm just thinking too hard. I always want to have something profound to say, but sometimes my thoughts are a scattered web of craziness.
Trying. It's the story of my life. Try to be happy. Try to get good grades. Try to be healthy. Try to make people love you. Dangit.
Not that trying is always a bad thing, but you have to have balance. C'mon seriously...
All of this striving clouds my thoughts with shoulds and coulds and 0h-how-i-wishes. Where did I get the idea that I'm not OK for being who I was created to me? Most of my life, I've crammed myself into little boxes made up of rules and fears and lies. It's lonely in these little boxes. No one can get in and I can't get out(well, I can by God's grace...)
Living inside a box is a pretty lonely existence. You miss out on joy and friendship and even experiencing God's love. His love always remains consistent, but the box of doubt and unbelief keeps you from knowing that love in a deeper way.
His love is relentless. He doesn't turn our back on us, even when we've hidden away in our box. He waits, patiently enduring with us through everything.
Even though the box-life sucks, it can get comfortable. No one sees your weakness(or, that's what we think), no one sees your grief, your fears, your shame. Might as well stay closed off, better to be lonely than take a chance on experiencing real connection with another.
But where is the richness of life without sharing from your heart? It's scary to open up, get out of the box, but I'm pretty sure it's worth it.
Am I going to live rooted in fear, or in truth?