Thursday, October 30, 2008
It's been awhile since my last post. I'd like to say it is out of busyness, schoolwork, normal-life-apart-from-blogososhere, but in reality my not writing is out of fear.
Fear that i won't say the right thing. Fear that my thoughts don't matter. Fear that I am being selfish for wanting someone else to read the deepest intents of my heart. Fear of vulnerability.
Fear is wicked. My mind is full of these roadblocks--constant checks on what I say and think and do. Not all bad, but there needs to be balance. How can deep connections be formed if you never let the true self shine through?
My friend, Beth, observed that I struggle being authentic because of the little (sometimes seemingly big) fences that I force into my path. She had a picture of me on a horse, in a full riding outfit (boots, helmet, and all), trying to jump over little white fences. Each of these fences represents a doubt, a fear, a reservation to be real, a need to please...
Even during a conversation with someone I trust and deeply care about, I am continually going through the obstacle course. Should I say that? Maybe that will offend them? I can't share my opinion--nope, can't say that. Where should I sit? Maybe I should I stand up? Will they be annoyed if I ask for a glass of water?
Man, I'm getting exhausted just reading this! I'm so tired of living in a constant state of questioning. Questioning the Truth my heart knows.
I'm so thankful that Jesus promises to replace our fear with the reassurance of His love.