This week I got sidetracked on my journey to authenticity. I've let fear and doubt and perfectionism-people-pleasing-tendencies get the best of me. I am realizing what a trap condemnation and judgments are in my life. They hold me back from growth and wholeness, keeping me bound up in confusion.
Yesterday, I had a moment of contemplation amidst the piles of paper and multiple to-do lists. My thoughts and emotions were so disorganized that I couldn't see clearly through the agitation. I had to force myself to stop and refocus...a mediation of sorts. Focus is something I am lacking at the moment, and disciplining myself to quiet the birds flying around in my mind was difficult to do. But because of God's faithfulness I was able to gain a bit of perspective on the here-and-now...
But I got scared in the quiet. The busyness and anxieties and striving that I tend to hide within were pushed aside, and it was uncomfortable to get a glimpse of the core...the core of my heart, the core of where I need Jesus the most. I saw a glimpse of an uncertain sadness, a sense of loss, a longing to be known, and almost immediately I started to judge what I saw. Instead of embracing, I fought.
As soon as I began to fight, a weight came over me. I could feel it in my body. It was suffocating and constricting, not only physically, but also spiritually.
I think this weight was condemnation. The lies I believe that my life lacks purpose, I've failed too many times, I should be over this, I should be happier, and should... blah, blah, blah...
Condemnation holds us back and hardens our heart, but we don't have to stay there!
In the stillness, I saw the reality of my heart, but I also saw the promise of freedom we have in Jesus. He sees the darkest parts, and still He loves me...His strength is perfected in our weakness.
There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus
from the law of sin and death.
::take a listen to this beautiful song