Sunday, April 12, 2009

It's Not You, It's Me


feather
I hate that I'm so intense. intense thoughts. intense feelings. just plain intense.
i can be goofy and silly for awhile, but it seems to always come back to this weird level of intensity.
Things are fine and dandy and then, wham! it comes over me.
Honestly, i don't know what "it" is. A gloomy darkness. A wave of uncertainty. ??

You know what? I think it's fear. I'm afraid of feeling, even though I want to let go. I'm afraid of being controlled by my emotions, so I deny them. In that denial, I am giving them control. I have all these rules about emotions and feelings and all that jazz, that I don't know how to just accept. Or maybe it is that I won't, or I'm afraid to.

This strange banter with myself is pretty typical. Should I feel? Should I say that? I can't to this. I can't do such and such. Aaaaaahhh! Oh no, I hurt that person! I can't ever talk to them again, but I need to. But I can't.

meh.

Even as I write about this, it seems silly. Emotion is what makes us human, but somehow it has turned into this intense thing that is so separate.

I crave reality. But I am not living that truth in my own life. I am attempting to, but it always seems to cycle back around.
The problem is with "I." In my own strength I will forever be on this cycle of intensity and fear and craziness.

But God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. (2 Tim. 1:7).
Praise the Lord for that promise! It gives me hope. Now I have to ask HIm to teach me to quiet my mind so He can teach me to accept.


2 comments:

Gabrielle said...

Don't fret, God has a perfect will. Read the first chapter in Colossians!

Genevra (Jenni) Vanhoozer said...

i am kind of intense too....
don't shame yourself about it...
it's how we're made, and only God can work through it...
not such a bad place to be, eh?
ha, who am I kidding, in the middle of it it sure stinks.